he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
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your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
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We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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