Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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