I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
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Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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