What a fucking waste of an outfit
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
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while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
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Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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