he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
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Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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