the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
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He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
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you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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