You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize