From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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