Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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