Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize