can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I hope mine doesn't look like that
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize