Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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