so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
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I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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