this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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