Got a toothbrush?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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