The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he wants to bone in the snuggie
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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