Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
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All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
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