We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
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We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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