my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
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Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
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