it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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