By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
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never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
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so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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