If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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