I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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