A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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