i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
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woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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