I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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