The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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