There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
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I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
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He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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