Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
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I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
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Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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