I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
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So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
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i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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