my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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