That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
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he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
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Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize