Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
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Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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