Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
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Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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