Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
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Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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