Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
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Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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