So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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