i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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