yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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