you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
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I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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