I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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