I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
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I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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