there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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