Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
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So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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