it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
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Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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