The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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