I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
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I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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