he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
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Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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