we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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