Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
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You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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